มนุษย์กล่อง 's blog

Some people say that homosexuality is a genetic trait, that its scientific. Some say that homosexuality is learned or developed over the years of childhood. Some say its a mixture of both nature and nurture. I have often wondered if all that I went through as a kid, including failures in manly things like sports and the male roaring voice, the two temporary abandonment I experienced by my parents in my life, and my cruel cousins, were all things that actually nudged me toward being gay.

May be those experiences, in some way, left me in need of male energy or father-figure to the extent that I would have to be fully intimate with another male to be happy. Maybe my brain simply wired itself that way, during all of these scary experiences of my youth. This theory breaks down, however, when I remember that, even as a very young child, 10 years old (to be exact), I was ultracurious about and attracted to boys and men. May be I was genetically predisposed to being gay, and then my life experiences pushed me over the line, against the wishes of society, against the will of my parents, against the expectation of myself, to actually act.

Many people asked me in one of my several entries about my type of homosexuality, whether I were a King or Queen or I was a top or bottom. I hesitated to respond. I only knew that people has called me Queer for two decades. I didnt hate those who asked and those who called me so. It didnt bug me much. Its practically just words. But its crossed my mind since then and stayed there, when it was shot bulls-eye right there in my head, for almost a week which actually drove me to write this entry.

But I know one thing for sure. If I could actually be straight, I would be. No one wants to be a homosexual or a freak in the eyes of normal society. As I moved on in life, Oh God!!, Dear Lord, you must believe me, I fought hard on my own homosexual thoughts and filthy feelings as hard as I possibly could. That just didnt work no matter how I tried. The harder I fought back my feelings the more painful succumbs I gained.

Once a person is wired to be gay, that sexuality is there to stay. After all, thats why my belief in God includes a belief that everything is planned out throughout our lives and that our lives are unfolding before us. We simply need to let that happen and let it go on as it is commanded to be. I believe God made me a homosexual guy. I hope you all understand me well now.

Somehow, everything I went through in adolescence led me to the place that would make me the man I am today. How a kid like me ended up doing what I did still amazes me everyday. I really mean it and never once regret.

I want to say Sorry to all of you that this entry has turned out so blue. It's not my kind of thing.Im glad that I let it all out.

Me (still in the closet)

PS. Id like to dedicate this song to myself to always remind me how close I am to danger when I decide to play the game of love.